Downswing
I’ve been on a downswing since I got back from Cali (leg pain and weakness; fatigue; headaches; upset stomach off and on; one small anxiety attack). I’ve been really sick the last couple of days (running hot and cold, sometimes at the same time, with major sweating and some shakiness throughout my body; shaky hands; headaches; stomach pain and almost throwing up twice). I don’t know if I would have leg pain if I had been on my feet more. I’m not sure if this is about the fibro, Candida, or a flu or something.
Gratitudes
1. I spent a week in Cali a couple weeks ago. I stayed in SF with friends and went to an art opening for a water conservation group for whom I’ve done a bit of writing. Numerous genres of art connected people viscerally in the area with their water source, The Tuolumne River. Artists gave short talks, there was music, food and drink, and I saw a bunch of my friends I hadn’t seen for a long time since my move to Oregon. You can see some of the tres cool art here:
http://www.whollyh2o.org/services/standing-with-the-watershed/whatriverareyoumadeof.html
My friends even had a garden party for me on Saturday, so I could see more of my Cali friends.
After that, I went down to Mountain View and had a wonderful time with my grown kids. My son and I took a walk at Rancho San Antonio, a favorite hike in the Cupertino foothills. My son is 34 and we first hiked there with his kindergarten class. We took lunch and ate it at a picnic table in an old barn. There were lots of mosquitos, but it didn’t matter. This was a pilgrimage for me and my boy. While I used to hike for 5+ hours in the hills there, the 20-minute walk to and from the barn was perfect for me. It was a memorable time. Also, I like that I took the risk of making the trip.
2. When I need it, I am well cared for and I’ve always known I am loved. I call my husband, Eric*, my PAM (Prince Among Men). He meets pretty much every need I have, including helping with my dad in assisted living; and I can trust that Eric* isn’t resentful because he voices the few boundaries he has and takes fun breaks once in awhile. Enter: my 86-year young mama, who takes the two-hour train ride to come and help. When I had my neck surgery, she came for a good amount of time, followed by my daughter, son, and friend, all from Cali. My dad and brothers are here for me in spirit, as they can’t make it here; but I have their love and support, as well as the same from other friends.
3. Today during a short meditation, I became very aware of the sounds in the house and outside the open window. My cats playing. The breeze through the leaves of the big old trees. (Hey, that ryhmed!) Cars whooshing by. Neighbors talking. Kids playing. I felt alive, calm, and connected to everything.
4. I practiced my Buddhist philosophy of noticing but not attaching to the pain. I’m not perfect at it, but that’s why they call it practice. I had a Reiki teacher who passed from her second bout of cancer. At her memorial, one of her caregivers said that close to the end, my teacher had much pain, but little suffering. Such a great life lesson and it sure comes in handy.
5. Today (now yesterday) I watched the movie Are You Here. I watched it last night with Eric*. And I’m saving it for when my mom comes this weekend. It was beautifully written and acted, literarily tight (where one reviewer called it a confusing mess; another said it wasn’t funny ~ don’t these people understand ironic and sardonic humor?!) and engaging in every scene. Apt symbology and foreshadowing abound, and make it fun watching more than once. The theme is a universal truth and was well supported. My hands were waving around as Eric* and I talked about the film, and they would be now if I wasn’t typing. I think it’s one of the best movies of the year.
Small spoiler just for you: Its universal truth is similar to the philosophy I mentioned in #3.
http://www.areyouheremovie.com
6. My chronic pain shrink has told me to think of fibro in terms of episodes, which has been another big help to me. We get knocked down, we get back up again, right?
*I added the apostrophe to Eric’s name because otherwise it was linking to his Facebook profile.
Uh Oh, Rerekuka 